


The First Duty of Love

by TheAvengersMascot



Series: All That Matters [3]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Thor (Movies)
Genre: And sometimes he fails, Community: norsekink, Family Angst, Father-Son Relationship, Gen, He's not perfect but he's trying, Odin's Good Parenting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-06
Updated: 2016-10-06
Packaged: 2018-08-19 20:00:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,969
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8223067
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheAvengersMascot/pseuds/TheAvengersMascot
Summary: Loki knew just how dangerous doing what he did was. Dangerous, and in the end, pointless. All the effort, all the risk, was for nothing. Now it was a matter of not getting caught. He couldn't get caught. He had to make it to his rooms without being seen. If he does, he can forget it ever happened and that will be the end of it.But things are never that easy, are they?





	

**Author's Note:**

> This story has been kicking around in my brain since I wrote the _The Hardest Battles_ and I finally got around to doing it justice. It takes place between chapter three and chapter four of that story. Loki knows his heritage and is the equivalent of mid-teens in Asgardian time.
> 
> A continuation of this [norsekink prompt."](http://norsekink.livejournal.com/13205.html?thread=32748181#t32748181)

_The first duty of love is to listen._ — Paul Tillich

The halls of Glaðsheim were quiet, lit only by the torches spread through them. Shadows danced across the walls, giving the empty corridors an eerie feel. Loki hurriedly crept through them, keeping his steps light. His concealment spell fell not long after he returned, leaving him to go about not being seen the traditional way, through stealth rather than seiðr. Without all the activity of the daytime, the sound of his soft leather boots seemed to echo off the walls, leaving him no choice but to walk on tiptoe. His care in being quiet was rewarded when he heard a pair of servants coming up behind him. He ducked in behind a pillar and pressed himself into the shadows until they passed. It was rather unlikely that any of the palace staff would report him to his parents simply for being out of bed so late at night but he couldn't take the chance. If one of them made an off-hand remark about their prince keeping odd hours, that could be enough to cause trouble.

Waiting until the servants passed, and then waiting a good deal longer to make sure they were alone, Loki emerged from his hiding place and continued on. He made it to his rooms without any more close calls, closing the door behind him with a satisfied sigh.

"Where are you coming from this time?"

Loki started and spun around, gathering his seiðr with one hand and a dagger with the other. By the time he completed his turn, his brain caught up with his body and he recognized the voice was his father's. Odin sat by his desk, the chair situated to face the door. Even in the dim firelight, the disapproval on his face was clear.

"I had trouble sleeping, so I went for a walk," Loki lied smoothly, proud that his voice betrayed none of his alarm.

His father nodded but it gave him no comfort. Odin's expression hadn't changed. His frown stayed in place as he got to his feet and crossed his arms. "And you made it as far as the mountains, did you?"

Loki had no inkling of what he meant and let his confusion show through. "No, just around the palace grounds."

"I'm curious, my son. On which part of the palace grounds did you find snow?"

Without thinking, Loki looked down at his boots. "What snow? I cleaned it all off-"

He clamped his mouth shut with such speed and force he heard his teeth clack but even as he did, he knew it was too late. So much for his silver tongue. Loki couldn't bring himself to look up again. He spent a full minute staring at his thoroughly dry and devoid of snow boots, waiting in silent agony for his father to say something. When he did, his quiet and steady voice terrified Loki.

"Have you gone mad? Have you fallen under some enchantment that caused you to lose all sense? Must I truly remind you how dangerous what you've done is or that as Asgard and Jötunheim are enemies, your mere presence in their realm could be construed as an act of war?"

"No," Loki whispered.

"Then explain yourself."

His eyes refused to leave the floor. He knew he wouldn't get away with another lie, not now, and he had no good explanation for what he'd done. Not one that would spare him punishment, at any rate. All he had was the truth, and a dwindling hope his father would be merciful.

"I just... wanted to see."

"See what?"

Loki braced himself, clenching his hands into fists so tight his fingernails threatened to pierce his skin. "Laufey."

He was forced to wait through another lengthy span before receiving a response. He almost wished Odin would yell or shout or be furious with him. Between his father and brother, Loki had abundant practice dealing with a hot temper but none with this silent torture.

_"Laufey?"_

Loki couldn't tell if it was anger, disbelief, or horror in his father's voice. He dared a glance up and saw all three emotions playing across his face.

"It's not enough that you traversed alone into enemy territory, but you thought to sneak all the way into Laufey's court? Do you have any idea what would have happened if you were caught?"

"I-"

"That child-killer would murder you on sight!" Odin shouted, and Loki instantly regretted wishing for it.

"Father-"

"Then he would discern your true identity and use it as justification for war. Did you even pause to consider the cost if you were discovered?"

"I just-"

"Just what?" Odin interrupted. "Just thought to risk your life for nothing? To use the skills your mother taught you with such reckless disregard for how she would feel should anything happen to you? To risk bringing Asgard and Jötunheim to the brink of war just to sate your curiosity?"

All coherent thought fled from Loki's mind under the onslaught of his father's furious questioning. He might as well be a mouse standing before a bilgesnipe. He had half a mind to flee, only he was already in his own room. Without any escape, he had no choice but to stand there and endure. And his father was not yet finished.

"For the foreseeable future, you are not to leave the palace grounds without the express permission of either myself or your mother-"

"But-"

"I will task Heimdall with keeping constant watch over you and should you disappear from his sight at any time, I will place wards on you myself to block all forms of concealment until you show you understand the weight of your actions. Am I understood?"

Loki opened his mouth to protest but his father noticed and cut him off with a wordless noise that was so much like a growl, he flinched.

"Am I understood?"

His jaw clenched, Loki stubbornly ignored the urge to look away from Odin's piercing gaze. "Yes."

The All-Father left without saying another word, leaving Loki alone and rather dazed. The silence in the wake of their confrontation was so profound, it was as if all the air went with him, leaving the room as dead as the vacuum of open space. His unspoken, and now useless, replies to his father's accusations trickled through his mind, slow, disjointed, and altogether too late.

Never before had Loki seen him in such a state. It left him so unbalanced that he could think of nothing to do, no answer to give in the face of it. His punishment was severe but deserved, and he wouldn't have argued it.

Only... he did have a reason. Secreting himself to Jötunheim was every bit as dangerous as his father said, but it wasn't simple curiosity to test his skill that drove him. He had to _know_.

Yes, he had a reason, but his father never let him give it. And now he probably never would.

~~~|~~~

There was something in the air of Glaðsheim, Frigga sensed. Something that caused the palace staff to scurry about their tasks as though they feared punishment from the Norns. Something that caused her youngest son to beg off from his seiðr lesson for the first time in memory, claiming to be overtired after a poor night's rest. Loki hadn't even spoken to her himself, rather he sent a note with one of the palace stewards. Then there was the matter of her husband.

As king and All-Father, Odin's duties were many and occupied a great deal of his time. It wasn't unusual for her not to see him much throughout the day. What was unusual however, was the way he had disappeared partway through the previous night and not returned. Frigga hadn't seen him since.

It was mid-afternoon when she overheard the Einherjar stationed outside the throne room comment on the All-Father's awful mood. Their king being in a foul temper would explain why the servants and guards all appeared on edge. It might also explain Loki not attending his lesson, but she wasn't sure how. If something was wrong with their son, surely her husband would have told her. Especially if it upset him the way it seemed to.

Frigga inquired her husband's whereabouts from the guards and they directed her to his private study. Once there she knocked and though she heard him inside, he gave no answer. After a second knock was similarly ignored, she opened the door herself and went in. Odin was pacing, lost in thought and oblivious to her entry. She watched him a moment, waiting to see if he would notice her.

"Odin," she called out when he didn't.

He halted abruptly, his soft boots scuffing along the floor. "Frigga. I didn't hear you come in."

"I can see that. Tell me, what has preoccupied you so?"

Odin threw one hand in the air and resumed pacing. "Our reckless fool of a son."

Frigga sighed. Though Thor was indeed maturing, he was still very much an impetuous youth, a quality that frustrated his father to no end. "What did Thor do?"

"Not him. Loki."

"Loki," she repeated.

"Yes."

Frigga still wasn't sure she understood. "Loki is many things, my dear. But reckless? A fool?"

"I thought the same," he replied, still pacing. "But that is what he is."

She closed the distance between them and stilled his restless motion by taking hold of his shoulders, guiding him to a chair, and sitting down opposite him. "What happened?"

"He's mastered world-walking. Did you know that?"

"No," she said, taken aback. "I knew the subject interested him but I didn't know he achieved it."

In any other situation, such an accomplishment would merit celebration, but Odin was irate.

"Well, he has. And you'll not believe where he went."

A chill slithered down Frigga's spine. "Where?"

"Jötunheim."

The chill sharpened into an icy bolt of fear shooting through her heart. "Jötunheim!" she gasped. "Whatever for?"

Odin shook his head. "He said he just wanted to see."

Frigga leaned back in her chair, hand over her heart as if that could ward off more frightening shocks. As it was, simply imagining what could have happened had Loki been caught was terrifying. She closed her eyes, trying to push down the fear. Loki was home and safe, and since they hadn't received news to the contrary, his visit to the other realm had not become known.

As her fear subsided though, she began to wonder more about what happened. The tale as told by her husband didn't quite make sense.

"Is that truly all he said?" she asked him.

"Yes," Odin huffed.

"Are you certain?"

"Yes." His tone was less sure that time.

Frigga fixed him with a hard look. "Odin."

He turned his eye on her, expression inscrutable.

"What did he say, his exact words."

"He said he wanted to see Laufey."

Memories of the Jötun king during the war passed through her mind, giving rise to another swell of fear. _If he discovered Loki..._

She ruthlessly pushed that thought away. Loki was in no danger now. Now she needed to understand just why he'd done what he had.

"What else?" she asked, her voice level.

"What else is there?" Odin replied.

"What do you mean, 'what else'? What reason did he give?"

"That was his reason."

Frigga took a slow breath, her patience beginning to wear thin. "His reason for wanting to see Laufey."

"Does it matter?" Odin rose again and paced around the room. "He violated a centuries old treaty, to say nothing of the danger he put himself in. He knows better."

"He does know better," Frigga replied, leaning Odin's direction, "which means he must have a reason. He wouldn't endanger himself or his home without cause. What did he say about that?"

Odin stilled, his back to her, and said nothing.

"You did ask him, did you not?"

There was only silence.

"Did you punish him without so much as asking for an explanation?"

He didn't respond at first but after a moment, his shoulders slumped. He covered his mouth with one hand as he turned toward her. When he spoke his anger was gone. "I did. By the Norns, I did."

He lowered himself into the chair again and turned an imploring gaze on her. "Frigga, what have I done? No wonder he feels the need to be so secretive. Why should he trust me if I don't listen?"

Frigga reached across and took his hand. "You made a mistake, husband. Neither of us is perfect. He frightened and angered you, and you let that emotion cloud your reason."

"What should I do?" he asked.

"Go to him," she urged, "and listen the way you should have before. Let him give his reasons."

"I will," he said, then ruefully shook his head. "I wish it had been you who caught him and not me. You have always had a way with him."

"Don't be so sure. I am no more pleased with what he did than you are. In the moment, I may not have been any more amenable to hearing him out than you were."

"Somehow, I doubt that."

"Well, we all have our strengths dear," she told him with a smile. "And our weaknesses."

~~~|~~~

A full day and night passed since his father caught him before Loki dared venture out of his rooms. The All-Father's temper could burn hot for a long time and Loki had no intention of stoking the fire more than he already had. Even when dared to leave the safety of his chamber, he only went to the library, a place his father was unlikely to be.

After finding the grimoire he wanted, he curled up in an alcove carved into the stone wall near the back of the library. The space was meant to be decorative and probably held a sculpture or some other piece of art at one point. For Loki it was the perfect size for a reading spot. Since everyone else preferred to read at the tables, he could also be reasonably certain of privacy.

Loki was so engrossed in his reading, he nearly missed the sound of approaching footsteps. They had already grown quite close before Loki recognized his father's gait. In a moment of panic, he threw up a blocking spell to shield himself from sight, forgetting Odin's very specific edict that he not use such things.

On the other side of the nearest shelves, the footsteps halted and there came a sigh. "Loki, I know you're there."

Loki held his breath and kept still, hoping with all his might his father would give up and leave.

"Loki."

He winced. There was no mistaking his father's tone. Odin was in no mood for childish games. Reluctantly, and bracing himself for another scolding, Loki let the spell fall. He sat up, uncurling himself and turning so his feet were on the floor. He didn't notice he'd also closed his eyes until he heard his father's voice right in front of him.

"Did our last conversation scar you so severely that you cannot bear to look on me?"

Loki cracked open his eyes and found himself staring down at his father's boots. Summoning his courage, he raised his eyes to Odin's face, expecting something like anger, or at the very least annoyance. Instead, his father looked almost sad.

"May I speak with you?"

That it was a request and not a demand caught Loki by surprise. He stared, slack-jawed, entirely too long before managing a meek nod. He shuffled to one side and his father sat beside him, folding his hands in his lap. For what felt like an agonizingly long time, he didn't speak. Perhaps something terrible was wrong. Had something happened to his mother or Thor? Had his presence on Jötunheim been discovered?

Loki's heart beat harder and harder with each second that went by until he felt it might actually leap from his chest before Odin at last broke the silence.

"It was an incredibly foolish thing you did, following the secret paths to Jötunheim."

The words weren't a surprise to Loki but the disappointment they gave rise to inside him was. After all that build up, to know that his father had indeed come to only chastise him more left him disheartened. All he could muster in reply was an almost inaudible, "I know."

"And it was incredibly foolish of me to not allow that you wouldn't do such a thing without good reason."

For the second time since arriving, his father left him stunned but as his own gaze was elsewhere, Odin didn't notice. He went on.

"I reacted poorly and without thinking," he said. "I was so angry that you would do something so dangerous. Angry and... frightened. The thought of what they could have done had you been caught... it drove all rationality from me. I'm sorry, my son."

"It's... all right," Loki heard someone say. When he felt his mouth close, he realized it was him.

Odin placed a hand on his knee. "You are so very precious to us, Loki. Promise me you will not endanger yourself this way again."

"I promise." The words were hardly more than a whisper.

His father withdrew his hand and returned it to his own lap. "Now that is settled, perhaps you'll allow me to say what I should have said before."

Loki nodded, unsettled yet intrigued by Odin's words.

"Will you tell me why you went to Jötunheim?"

A sudden and rather hot rush of shame flooded through him. After listening to his father's heartfelt apology and expression of love, the reason behind his secret trip felt like such a betrayal.

"Loki, please," Odin beseeched him, and Loki knew he could no longer hold his tongue.

"...I went to see Laufey," he began.

"Why?"

"He's my-" _father_ was on the tip of his tongue, but he couldn't very well say that, could he? Not with his true father right beside him making such an effort to understand. Loki tried again. "He sired me. I just..."

"Go on," Odin said when he hesitated a little too long.

"I wanted to know." It sounded so feeble to his own ears that Loki found he couldn't bear to look anywhere other than at the floor. If his face looked anything like it felt, he knew it must be a rather bright pink.

"Know what?"

There was no reproach in Odin's tone. Nothing that sounded critical or judgmental. It gave Loki a little boldness to continue. "Thor is so much like you, whereas I am more like Mother. There are some things I share with all of you, but... there are times when I feel that I am stranger to you all, or that you are to me."

"You are unique, Loki. That is no bad thing."

"I know." _Do you?_ "I just... needed to know what Laufey is like. Not what the history books say, but what he truly is. I thought if I could get close enough to see him, I might... recognize something of myself."

"And did you," Odin said after a brief pause. "See yourself, I mean."

Loki's first impulse was to shrug but halfway through the motion, he thought better of it and shook his head. "I don't know what I expected. He is infinitely more a stranger to me than anyone in Asgard. Even in my other form, we don't share a likeness. And I cannot hold my cloaking spell long enough to make a real study of his behaviour."

"Loki, you promised-"

"I know. I won't go back. There is nothing for me there." He was a little caught off-guard by how it hurt to admit. When he next spoke, it was around a sizable lump in his throat. "I just... I just thought I might find an answer for why I feel this way, but I didn't. I didn't find anything at all."

All at once the lump in his throat grew and he felt the burning sting of tears trying to flood his eyes. He blinked fast and hard, trying to rid himself of them, to no avail. By the time he reached up to wipe them away with the edge of his sleeve, his father had put his arm across his shoulders and drawn him close.

"You are not me, Loki," Odin told him. "Neither are you Frigga or Thor, nor should you be. The differences you struggle with are the very things that make you who you are. I would not have you change for the wide world. Those differences are why you excel with seiðr and why I find your perspective on political matters such an asset. They are why you will be a true force to be reckoned with when you've grown. Your personality and strengths may be different than mine or your brother's, but don't think they make you less valuable. Or less lovable."

And damn if a fresh wave of tears didn't start falling.

"However distant from us you may feel at times, my son, you will never stop being a part of this family. We may struggle to understand each other, and sometimes we will hurt each other with thoughtless words or deeds, but we will always, _always,_ be family."

His father's reassurances both comforted and troubled Loki, for while it helped to quiet some of the doubts in his heart, he felt even worse for having ever resorted to sneaking away in the first place. Even if he had seen something familiar in his blood-father, what would it matter? What would it even amount to when compared with the connection he shared with his true family?

"I'm sorry I went to Jötunheim," he said. "I never should have gone."

"No, you shouldn't have," Odin agreed. "It was an exceedingly dangerous thing to have done. For that reason, I won't rescind your punishment. For the next month, you are not to leave the palace grounds without my permission or your mother's."

Loki nodded his acceptance. His father's hand cupped his chin and raised it so he would look him in the eye.

"And the next time you find yourself worrying about something like this, I want you to come to us."

In spite of everything that just happened, Loki balked at the idea of burdening his parents with his foolish worries. "I don't want to trouble-" 

"It is no trouble. It is both my duty and desire as your father to see you happy. It is no trouble."

"A-all right," Loki said, forcing the words out around that stubborn swell of emotion lodged in his throat.

"Good." Odin squeezed his shoulder. "Now, why don't you tell me what other skills in addition to world walking and cloaking you've mastered and neglected to tell us." 

Abashed, Loki ducked his head. "Nothing else so great. Just a few smaller workings."

"I see," his father replied with a tone that suggested he didn't quite believe him. "And this." He pointed to the grimoire Loki had been studying. "What are you researching now?"

Loki knew seiðr was not an especially interesting subject to discuss, at least it wasn't to anyone besides him. Though his father was a competent practitioner as well, he preferred to deal with the practical workings of magic, rather than listen to a discourse on the theory behind it. But Loki knew Odin was making an effort to show interest and he didn't have the heart to refuse him now. So he reached for the book and opened it, explaining that it dealt with transmutation and shape-shifting. And if his father's eye took on a somewhat glazed look after a few minutes, Loki pretended not to see it.

**Author's Note:**

> The quotation at the beginning of this fic is based on is a slight misquote of something written by Paul Tillich, which you can read about [here](https://clearingcustoms.net/2015/06/20/tracing-paul-tillichs-words-on-listening-and-love/) if you're interested.
> 
> Now, are you ready for this? Remember that Thor 2 AU for this 'verse that I said I was writing a year and a half ago? You know, the one I kept insisting I was working on while I posted other stories? Yeah, that one. Well—drum roll please—IT'S FINALLY DONE!!! I hope to start posting it this month. Yay!
> 
> Please let me know what you thought of this one. And you can always hit me up on tumblr as well at [ theclassicblunders](http://theclassicblunders.tumblr.com). Thank you for reading!


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